I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
Nobody cheats on THIS.
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