fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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