I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Randomize
