If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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