the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
We're too hungover to prance.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Crop dusting thru forever 21
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