note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
