I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
