Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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