You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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