I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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