Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
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