I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
Randomize
