you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
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