I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Dear god my vagina.
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
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