i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
I got inside last night via doggy door
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Randomize
