How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
Randomize
