just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
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