I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
These tits shall not be calmed
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
Randomize
