it wasn't lemon gatorade
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
When did we convert life to cartoon?
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
