happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
Randomize
