Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
Randomize
