Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
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