if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
Find out what day classes start and I will come down to Richmond that weekend. Any broad who claims to be 18-21 will be promptly ID'd. My job has trained me to spot a fake from a mile away, and I don't need a statutory rape charge.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
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