she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
I just googled if crying burns calories
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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