i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
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