You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
