just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
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