..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
