I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Randomize
