Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
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