It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Randomize
