She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Randomize
