Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Randomize
