i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
