how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
Randomize
