Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
