Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Randomize
