Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Randomize
