drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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