I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize
