You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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