dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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