I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
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