seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
