i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Bang-toberfest begins!!
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
Randomize
