Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
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