I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
PANTIES FOUND
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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