dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
