I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
