He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
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