My Higher Power is John Stamos
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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