Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Randomize
