Bc you can definitely buy condoms if ur a 14 year old girl
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
whose ass print is on the piano?
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
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