Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
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