i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
